Cleaning an Apartment

by Danny Zawacki

Bear with me for a moment, this might get confusing.

So my landlady came over earlier this week to collect rent and utility bills. She also informed me the woman who owns the apartment (is she my landlady?) will be coming back to Konotop sometime in the next week. She doesn’t know when, she just knows she’s coming. I asked, “Doesn’t she have a ticket?” She responded, “да, наверно.” (Yes, probably.) Then both of us shrugged our shoulders in confusion because if she knew she was coming from Moscow to Konotop, she’d need a train ticket and on the ticket it’d say not only the day but the time when she’d be arriving. So yeah.

Anyway, my landlady, the one who lives here and collects my rent, said she’d call me when she knew but she wanted me to clean everything so it looks nice when my real landlady came for her inspection. You see, my landlady has told the real landlady that she’s been checking on my apartment and reporting it’s quite clean when in reality, she knows I’m a grown ass man who knows how to take care of a place without babysitting him. Basically, she’s been half lying so her ass is on the line when the real landlady comes for inspection.

My landlady wants me to clean, but she’ll come over ahead of my real landlady to do last-minute straightening up and spot checking. In an effort to further prove my competence  I’m going to take care of all that so when she shows up she won’t have much, if anything, to do.

This is how I need to clean:

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I’m really allergic to dust. A bit of it puts me in a sneezing fit for a half hour. A bit more turns my eyes itchy, watery, and red. It’s not pleasant.

Once I’m done cleaning, I’m going to rob a bank, methinks.