Richard and Laura had been married for three years. Their life was enjoyable; Richard worked at law firm downtown as an accountant and Laura waited tables at the diner four blocks from their home. The house they lived in wasn’t large, nor was it small; it was a ranch with two bedrooms and one bath with a single car garage. The neighborhood was fairly quiet. Their neighbors were mostly newly married couples in their late twenties like themselves. Hardly any of the families had any children to run around the neighborhood and scream with joy through the warm summer nights. Richard and Laura, however, were trying to change this.
For the past few months now the couple had been trying to conceive a child. They felt that they were ready to have one in their lives. Richard made enough money as an accountant that it would not matter if Laura didn’t work so she could take care of the baby. It seemed like the most logical next step in their lives.
In the beginning Richard had liked the idea of the frequent sex because then he didn’t have to try to coax his wife into bed. Every Monday, Wednesday and every other Friday when Laura didn’t have to work the night shift, they would try to conceive. But now, after a few months of trying, the novelty had worn off for Richard. He no longer thought of it as something to enjoy, instead he viewed it as working and the passion was nearly forgotten. Richard had perfected the art; he would let Laura fondle his balls and suck on his penis long enough to get it hard. Depending on the amount of stress he had at work that day it could take a while for him to relax enough. After he was good to go he would reach down and lift up Laura’s chin and bring his mouth down to kiss her. They would deeply kiss one another with partially feigned passion as Richard guided her body to the bed if they weren’t already there. Once there he would enter. The sounds of kissing were replaced with the steady SLAP SLAP SLAP of his balls on her flesh. And this would continue for a few minutes until he thrust forward with extra an force, ensuring the payload had the shortest possible distance to travel. Lately he rarely took pleasure in the orgasm.
Three weeks ago Monday, Laura finally caught on to his routine and confronted him about it. They had a small fight during which Richard had to ensure Laura many times that he still loved her and that he still enjoyed sex with her. They didn’t have sex the following Wednesday and on Friday Laura proposed that they try to make the sex more interesting.
“I don’t want this to be a chore for either of us,” she said. “I want you to enjoy it. I want to enjoy it and if I know you aren’t happy with it I won’t enjoy it.”
“Fine,” he said. Then after seeing the hurt expression on Laura’s face he added, “I mean that seems to make the most sense. But how do you want to make it more interesting?”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe we could do some role-playing or get some toys or something.”
“Role-playing? Hmm, I guess we could try that. Could we also not be limited to every Monday, Wednesday and Fridays when you are home? Can’t it be more spontaneous?”
“Of course,” replied Laura with a laugh.
Richard was home alone this Friday evening because Laura was scheduled to work at the diner. It had been a long day at the office and he wanted nothing more than to have a beer, watch the ball game and go to bed early.
It was the during the bottom of the sixth when he heard the door open. It had to have been Laura because he had locked the door before he sat down and no one else had a key.
“I thought you had to work until close tonight,” he said as Laura entered the room without turning his eyes from the game.
“I did, but I got Nancy to cover my second half so I could come home and be with you. I wanted to surprise you.”
“Well you certainly did,” still not looking up from the game.
Laura walked over to Richard and climbed onto his lap. “I was thinking of all the dirty things I want you to do to me as I walked home.”
“Oh really,” turning his attention from the game. “Like what?”
She leaned into his ear and whispered in a throaty voice, “I want you to fuck me in the ass.”
Richard knew she didn’t actually mean this because she knew he thought anal sex was absolutely revolting, so he couldn’t understand why she thought it would turn him on. Nevertheless, he answered her and pretended for the sake of preserving the mood.
“Well then, let’s get to the bedroom,” he hurriedly said with slightly forced enthusiasm.
“Why not here? Right on this chair, wouldn’t that do?”
Richard knew if they were to make love on the chair his full wouldn’t be on Laura because the game would be on right behind her and that could lead to a fight. “No, I think we could have more room to mess around with in the bedroom.”
“Alright, meet me in the bedroom when this inning is over.”
That was why he married this woman.
As he stood in the doorway Laura was across the room unnecessarily bent over dusting the nightstand with a feather duster. She was dressed in the French maid costume she had purchased after their talk a few weeks back. The lights were all off except one floor lamp in the corner. The curtains were drawn shut so the glow of the late summer night could not come through.
Richard thought the outfit looked overly cliche. The skirt was short, barely covering her ass, and it had an excess of ruffles with white lace at the bottom. She wore white fishnet stockings which came up to the middle of her thigh. When he entered she stopped dusting and turned to face him; he saw the white apron she wore and thought it would be better suited as a child’s bib. In her dark curly hair was the headband thing that served no purpose that he knew of other than to look ridiculous. The top for the costume was obviously meant for a woman far bustier than Laura. It attempted to show her cleavage but instead it swallowed up her chest. In fact, the whole costume seemed to be the wrong size. Laura was a slightly plump woman with the wrong sized chest for her body. Everything about the costume seemed too small for her build, everything except the chest. But who was Richard to judge? He married her and he certainly was no looker.
“Oh, I did not know you were there, sir. I will be done cleaning in a minute,” she said with a high-pitched mock French accent.
“Take your time, miss,” instantly jumping into his role despite not understanding role-play. Richard felt less comfortable trying to be someone else and having sex than just being himself while having sex. Too much thinking was involved and it distracted him from what he was doing.
“Do you have any requests, sir?” She said, walking over to him and brushing his chest with the feather duster. “Is there anything you would like me to clean,” moving the duster down to his crotch.
“Actually yes. I noticed the other day that the blinds are really dusty. Do you think you could get those for me?” he replied with a smirk.
Laura smacked him hard on the arm with her free hand. “You’re an ass. At least try to play along.”
“Sorry. I…um…think I can think of something.” Richard took her hand and moved it to his crotch. She threw the feather duster aside and immediately she started grabbing and squeezing his entire package. However, she didn’t know how hard she was squeezing and he winced.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, just not so tight next time.”
Maybe she thought it would make her work easier or maybe she was trying to move the process along quickly, but she unzipped Richard’s jeans and pulled them down to his knees. He leaned back onto the doorframe as Laura dropped to her knees and massaged his balls through his white briefs.
After a moment Laura got up saying, “Hang on.” She went over to the bed and grabbed a pillow and placed it on the floor where she was kneeling. “My knees hurt when I kneel on the hard wood floor.”
“We could move to the bed.”
“No, I’m fine now but we should consider getting some carpeting in here.”
As Laura resumed her fondling of his balls, Richard was at a loss as to what to do. He would have to bend at an uncomfortable angle to play with her breasts because she was hunched over licking and kissing the insides of his legs. He obviously couldn’t kiss her. He felt like an ass when he just stood back and put his hands behind his head, so he couldn’t do that. Eventually he decided to massage Laura’s head.
Laura looked up, “Um, what are you doing?”
“I’m massaging your head. Did you want me to stop?”
“No, it’s…um…fine. I like it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Keep doing it, it makes me so turned on.”
She went back to her work around his crotch. While Richard recommenced the head massage, Laura pulled the waistband of his briefs and reached in and grabbed his penis.
“Oh, Richard, your cock is so big,” she said resuming her French voice. “I want to suck on it.”
Richard could never stand that word. Cock. It didn’t sound right. It was harsh and sounded dirtier than it needed to sound. At the same time he thought it sounded silly. It seemed as though it was a word invented solely for use in porn. Somehow porn stars made it work, but normal people having normal sex and saying it could not.
He tried to think of a different word. Something else that could be used in its place and not sound so misplaced.
Weiner was too childish and penis was too general because it can be used in any circumstance. To Richard, wang made it sound like a ridiculous weapon used by nerds in a video game. Schlong reminded him of awful cartoons from the 90s. Shaft, rod and pole were technically accurate descriptions of it but he always started thinking about cars when these words were used. Whenever he thought of it as a pecker during sex, it made him make short, quick strokes in whatever he was doing and this made him think he was a little dog humping a leg. Johnson would never be acceptable because his mother’s last name was Johnson. That left him with dick and he wasn’t sure if that was the best for sex but it was the name that agreed with him the most.
By now, Laura had been licking his dick in long, slow strokes and flicking the tip with her tongue for a few minutes and she finally decided to put it into her mouth. Richard could tell she was trying hard to make it enjoyable, but something about how she sucked made him think she didn’t like sucking so much.
And her hands. Her hands seemed to be an afterthought. One of them was firmly gripping his right thigh while the other one sporadically rolled his balls between her fingers. It was not a comfortable feeling, and sometimes it hurt but he couldn’t complain because he might kill the mood and turn the whole thing into a fight.
After only a few minutes of sucking Laura looked up with her large brown eyes which were caked with dark mascara and eye shadow and said, “My pussy is so wet and dirty, Richard. Will you clean it up for me?”
Richard didn’t say anything but instead he bent down and scooped her up so he could carry her over to the bed. He managed to lift her with surprising ease but he forgot that his pants and his briefs were still around his ankles. For a moment he tried to kick them off but with Laura in his arms it proved to be difficult. Instead he shuffled his feet to carry his wife to the bed where he threw her down almost too forcibly.
“Oh Richard, eat my pussy,” she cooed, completely dropping the French role.
Again with the word ‘pussy’. Richard felt the same way about this word as he did about the word ‘cock’. It just didn’t fit into real, everyday life. Again he tried to think of a favorable alternative. He came up with vagina, vag, vagoo, cunt, holiest-of-holes, the pink taco, cooter and hump-hole. Two of these he thought to be silly words, one was just plain unacceptable, three he understood why they could be used but couldn’t bring himself to use them and the last two he could for no opinions about whatsoever. Pussy would have to do.
“Oh baby, I can’t wait to eat you out.”
Here came a predicament for Richard. He never knew if he should pull what little clothing that was there aside and use it as a napkin for his meal or if he should pull it all off for ease of access. He chose the latter to simplify his later actions.
With the garments slipped down and fully removed, Richard threw them to a corner of the room and he surveyed his task. The first thing he saw when he lifted the apron was the recently acquired tan lines. Laura had spent the previous weekend at the friend Maria’s beach house lying on the sand. Her tan was dark on her exposed areas, but white everywhere else.
She was, as she stated, wet. Around her pussy there was an area that was smeared with liquid. Some of it had seeped into her pubic hair and had matted it down.
Richard smirked a little to himself when he saw the pubic hair and thought about the argument they had over it. Currently the hair showed about two weeks of growth. Richard didn’t like the look of it and it tickled his nose when he ate his wife out. Laura said that it made sex more comfortable because then there wasn’t flesh rubbing on flesh. Laura should have won the argument, but somehow Richard had convinced her to trim it on the first of the month as a compromise.
“What are you waiting for Richard? Just go for it.”
“Sorry,” he realized that he must have been staring and thinking too long for her. By the tone in her voice Richard suspected that she didn’t enjoy the massage as much as she said she did and she was looking for some pleasure to be returned.
As he moved closer in order to pleasure his wife, Richard started to notice the smell emitting from her. The first time he smelled it, he was repulsed. To him, it wasn’t a pleasant smell. It wasn’t inviting, it didn’t tell him to stay a while. The smell was more of a warning, like the color of a ladybug, which said if you eat me you won’t like the taste. And at first, he didn’t like the taste or the smell, but it grew on him. He always joked that it was an acquired taste with subtleties that come out by savoring, much like a fine cheese.
Early on in his sexual life, Richard learned that teeth were bad no matter where or how they were used. Hickies left a visible mark that his parents reprimanded him for and anything else was far too much pain for the overly sensitive areas involved. Some people enjoyed the pain, Richard couldn’t understand why. Instead Richard licked. Richard sucked. He slurped and he flicked, but he certainly didn’t use teeth.
While Richard slurped and licked, Laura moaned and squirmed. He believed that she was enjoying herself; or she had long mastered the art of faking it. Richard didn’t care. He took it at face value and it made him feel better about what he was doing and thus did it with more enjoyment.
And then Richard stopped. It wasn’t because he was done; no, he was quite far from it. It wasn’t Laura pushing him away either. Something soft had brushed across his face and a soft meow made him look up. He was staring into the eyes of their cat, Lois.
Lois had a habit of making herself present at any event within her domain. If she could nap on it, it was her domain. Usually Richard or Laura would make sure to close the door to the bedroom or lock Lois in another room while they made love because she always had untimely arrivals.
“What is it? Why did you stop?” asked Laura who clearly did not hear the cat’s meow.
“It’s Lois, I’ll be right back. I’m going to lock her in the bathroom,” replied Richard.
The bathroom was just outside of the bedroom door and that was where he took Lois, but not before removing his jeans and his briefs completely. Dressed only in an old Budweiser t-shirt and socks, he tossed the tabby into the bathroom. Just before shutting the door he caught a glimpse of scorn on Lois’ face as she turned to look at Richard.
“Now where was I?” asked Richard, resuming his position by the bed.
“We have to stop letting that cat interrupt. It really kills the mood when you have to stop what you’re doing to lock her up.”
“Why don’t we just get rid of her?”
“Richard, no. You know I love that cat, she was an engagement gift to us from my cousin.”
“Oh don’t worry, I was only kidding.” And he was only kidding. He hated that cat at first. She woke him before his alarm went off because she was hungry. She sat on his books when he tried to read and she stood in front of the computer screen when he tried to work. But then he realized that she genuinely loved him and that was why she did it.
Richard resumed his work. Licking and slurping and sucking were fun for Richard but they still became a boring. It was repetitive because there was only so much he could think to do with his mouth. Once he found himself becoming bored, he threw fingers into the mix.
If anyone ever were to bring a conversation about how easy it might be to orally pleasure a woman, Richard would have stepped in right away to argue the contrary. This isn’t to say that Richard couldn’t pleasure his wife; it is to say that he has a hard time coordinating the pleasuring of his wife. The problem was that he had ten fingers and a mouth and he needed to control all of them at once with precise movements in a confined space. This is not an easy task, not for Richard, but he manages.
Richard always has a difficult time figuring out how many fingers to use. A lot of it depends on what Laura is comfortable with, and that changes daily. Recently, he found it to be best if he started with one and worked his way up. Once he noticed his wife shifting uncomfortably he knew to take the last one out. Tonight the number was three, one more than what he had been using lately. He worked all three, along with the tongue, until his wrist became tired.
Richard slid all the way onto the bed, climbing his way up his wife’s body. Kissing her body at intervals. Finally making it to her face, at which the two of them embraced far more passionately than in the doorway.
Richard had always wondered how women felt about being kissed by a man who just came up from down under. He never had the courage to ask because if one of the girls he had been with had said she didn’t like it; he would have went the rest of his life not kissing after an intimate meal. Personally he didn’t mind a kiss after a mouth had been around his dick, but as far as he knew, his dick did not have a taste.
“Oh Richard, that was amazing,” said Laura. She started to remove her top by unzipping the back but was stopped by Richard.
“Allow me,” he said and reached beneath her to find the zipper. Having found it he pulled, but it didn’t move. So he tugged harder, and even harder a third time.
“What is it?”
“The zipper is stuck on something. Roll over.”
Laura rolled over to her stomach and Richard leaned in closer to assess the problem in the dim light. The zipper had caught on the fabric of the costume. He jiggled it up and down for a few moments until it came loose of the snag and he was able to undo the whole thing.
Laura rolled back over and pulled off the top. Richard noticed that her breasts had white triangles on them from her weekend of sunbathing.
Richard had never thought that Laura’s breasts were something to brag about, though he never told her that for obvious reasons. They weren’t as large as he would have liked, but he was grateful that they weren’t any smaller.
Richard and Laura had resumed kissing and he had moved his hands to play with her newly freed breasts.
Breasts and nipples were always a handicap for Richard. He could never figure out why he did the things that he did with them. How could squeezing and twisting or sucking on them be pleasurable for a woman? He is sure that it wouldn’t do anything for him. Are men and women so different? But since Laura had never told him not to do what he does and she seemed to enjoy it, he continued to squeeze and pinch and twist.
“Oh Richard, it feels so good, I want you inside of me.”
Finally, the moment he had been waiting for since the moment that Laura had stopped pleasuring him.
“How do you want it?”
“Like this,” she replied, rolling on to her side and pulling her knees halfway to her chest. “Nancy was telling me that this feels amazing.”
“Hang on; does Nancy know why she covered your shift tonight?”
“Yeah, well, not exactly. I kinda hinted at it and then we got to talking about positions. What does it matter?”
What does it matter!? I won’t be able to look Nancy in the eye for a while. And I will feel as though I owe her one.”
“But you won’t, I will. Plus, I’m the one that sees her more often. And I never said for certain what we’re doing.”
“Well I still don’t like it.”
“Just forget about it and fuck me.”
Yet another word that Richard didn’t like in the bedroom. Fuck. He always thought the sex was to be rough if he wanted to call it fucking; like those involved were on a mission to destroy each other. But what were his alternatives? Humping? No, it made him think if the little dog on the leg again. Banging? Again, too rough sounding. Lovemaking? It only applies in a small number of cases where the passion exceeds the primal desire. What Richard and Laura are doing is making a baby. Baby making? But then she would have said, ‘Just forget about it and make me a baby.’ That doesn’t sound right either. Fucking would have to do.
It was at this point when Richard was truly glad that he was married and is trying to have a child. He didn’t have to wear a condom. This also meant he didn’t have to buy them which might have been the biggest relief of all. He never felt comfortable buying a condom for some reason. It was an advertisement that he was having sex that he didn’t want. Laura had offered to buy them once but he declined; he felt it was his duty because it was something he was in charge of.
With Laura on her side, Richard straddled her legs and moved into position. He tried to enter, but with her legs in their current position there just was not enough space to work with.
“Could you lift your legs for a second?”
“Not if you don’t want me kicking you in the balls.”
“Well I can’t get in like this.”
“So get off of my legs.”
“Fine, but this is the most comfortable spot for me to be. What should we do?”
“I could put my leg up on your shoulder. Would that work?”
“Yeah, let’s try that.”
After a minute of attempted thrusting, Richard had to stop.
“This is no good. I can barely move in this position. Do you mind rolling onto your back and we do it old school?”
“Sure, whatever.”
With Laura on her back Richard was able to do his job with greater ease. However, he now had to make the choice of holding himself over her using his arms or to just lie flat on her while he thrust. He always felt as though he was squashing her when he lied on top of her but his arms became tired fast when he held himself up. Since the last time he lied flat, tonight he chose to hold himself up. He had to work fast so he was done before his arms gave out.
The thrusting only lasted a couple of minutes before Laura said, “Stop for a minute and get the lube, it’s starting to hurt.”
So Richard leaned forward and retrieved the lube out of the drawer of the nightstand. Kneeling upright, he squirted the lube but missed and hit the comforter and her leg instead. On the second try he hit his target. He closed the lube and tossed it aside to resume thrusting with far greater ease.
Richard looked down at Laura. Her eyes were closed and her eyebrows were raised. Her hands gripped the comforter on either side of her body. She seemed to be enjoying herself.
The knowledge that Laura was enjoying herself triggered something for Richard. It wasn’t long before he was making his final thrusts into his wife.
The couple had been lying side by side for a few minutes, catching their breaths. Laura was completely naked with the exception of the headband. Richard was still wearing his Budweiser t-shirt and socks.
“I’m going to get something to drink,” he said, “Do you want anything?”
“Water would be good.”
As he got up and walked to the kitchen, he walked by the television which now had the post-game show on. His team had won in extra innings.