Владимир Путин, иди сюда и защитить меня. Я говорю по-русски.

Vladimir Putin, come here and protect me. I speak Russian.

I’m appealing to you, Mr. Putin, because you’re interested in protecting Russian speakers now and I’m one of them. If it helps my case at all, I learned to speak Russian while I was in Ukraine (if you’re unaware, it’s the neighboring country to your West). If it furthers my case, I learned Russian in Chernigov, which isn’t very far from your border. And as a final nail in the coffin on why you should come protect me, I don’t think Kyiv has any intent of protecting me from the bandits. Therefore, I desperately seek your aid. I’m unable to fend for myself.

You see, I don’t feel safe in the world these days and a couple guards would do me some good. At home and at work and in conversations with my friends and family members, I hear little more than the major global events going on in the world. It appears a big country (the name escapes me at the moment) is bullying a little country (also, I forget the name of this one but I think I had been to it during my travels) in the interests of securing more land for the big country. That doesn’t seem fair to me at all and I really hope you will protect me from bullies like that big country. I wouldn’t want that big country coming to America and trying to take my fellow Americans away from me.

So, what I’m proposing is that you send two soldiers to guard me (maybe two men named Nikolai and Dima). Nikolai and Dima must be big burly men who can stand behind me to intimidate everyone with their silence. If you want to avoid any political snafus, you’re welcome to have them deny their allegiance to Mother Russia and I’ll claim they’re local militia (but if I start throwing back the vodka with Nikolai and Dima, there’s no guarantee our cover won’t be blown but we’ll drink American vodka just to help our case). Don’t worry, I will take care of Nikolai and Dima. I will cook them some tasty treats like borscht and meat and potatoes. It’s a fair trade, I believe, for my protection.

So Mr. Putin, please send me Nikolai and Dima to help protect me. I don’t want to be bullied.