So when my sister was here, we had the most brilliant idea to celebrate Christmas this year. Instead of having my mom’s side of the family over to eat, give presents, and start fights with each other (all Zawacki traditions); we thought it would be better to go on a bar crawl, as a family. That’s high-class society thinking for you.
Let me explain. This is the first year I’ll be home in a while and now all but one of our cousins will be 21 or older. We’re (nearly) all at the age to drink legally in public together instead of sitting inside trying to out-drink Grandma who throws back cases of Two Buck Chuck like it’s her chemo therapy. And, since Eric isn’t old enough to join us, he can stay at home and watch the family’s dogs. Win. Also, my mom and dad wouldn’t have to cook a bunch of food because it’s not part of the celebrations this year. Win win.
Before you start calling your family members to plan a similar event, let me tell you how I further perfected this.
We wouldn’t tell anyone what we’re going to do.
If we don’t tell people who we’re going to drink away Christmas, they can’t call and cancel ahead of time and then they won’t miss out on the amazingness. Most importantly, Eric can’t call and cancel for being left out (though he’ll call and cancel anyway because that seems to be what a 19-year-old can do). Furthermore, if people don’t know that we’ll be at the bars, they’ll still bring food. Auntie Angela will still bring pasta salad and plates of cookies, Grandma will bring Kugel (because the Jewish parts of our family made this a Christmas tradition years ago), and Auntie Mer will bring two pans of fudge (one for everyone and one for me because that’s how she rolls every year). Also, Uncle Brian, Uncle Paul, and Uncle Mike will probably bring some beers so we can pregame the bars.
What will we do with the food, if we’re not having Christmas dinner? Drunchies. We will eat that shiz like it’s the greatest thing when we stumble home at bar time. It will taste so, so good.
And to top it off, I’ll make it an educational experience and I’ll teach everyone how to take shots like a boss–as I’ve learned to do here in Ukraine. I have a feeling it will turn into a mess of drunkenness while I stand tall and glorious but not everyone is made for culture sharing.
How are you going to spend your Christmas this year?
“No more wine grandma!”
Still one of the funniest things I’ve heard. Cait and I still giggle about it.
The grandma you know has always been a caricature of the real one but most people seem to like this boozing grandma. I want to write a whole novel around her and her booze-soaked palate.